Beast Boy the Conquorer Paintball War Overlord
by Toriano.Flacko
Summary: This is random. I've said it before, this time I mean it. The boringest day on Earth, and BB gets ahold of a paintball gun. If any pairings, BBRae, RobStar, Cy?. Rated M for language and some adult themes. CHILDREN LOOK AWAY!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I'm getting the hang of this. Maybe you should start fearing me now.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Teen Titans. This is why.

**Chapter 1: That can't be good.**

"So... freaking... _bored!!_"

These were the first words spoken in Titans' Tower in who knows, who _cares_ how long, by none other than it's resident changeling. Outside, the sun was high in the sky, and it was yet another cloudless, crimeless-so-far day for the residents of Jump City. In the city, everybody was living it up, finally going crazy from the peacefulness and doing everything they ever wanted to do, besides doing crime and stuff like that. Heck, every now and then, an empty building would explode, seeing as they couldn't move and they couldn't find anything else to do. No, scratch that. All the way over in Titan's Tower, at that very moment, even _Raven_ was agreeing with Beast Boy, albeit a little bluntly; even she was bored as hell.

"No... shit... Sherlock," She said.

See? What'd I tell ya?

Nothing was on T.V. that wasn't a rerun, and nobody felt like picking a movie to watch. Over the past two weeks of no crime, they'd watched every movie possible. Or at least every movie in the Tower.

Did I mention that everyone was in the common room trying to think of something to break the bored spell? Well, now you know.

"Does anybody feel like robbing a bank?" Beast Boy, again.

"Yeah" was the unanimous answer.

"Okay, then. Who's driving?" Robin.

Silence. Then Beast Boy raised his hand, and everyone shouted "HELL NO!!"

And things continued a little like this. Try to guess who says what, and you'd be wrong.

"Go to the movies?"

"Seen all of them."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Training?"

"No."

"Reading? No, don't answer that."

"No."

"I said don't answer that! Clean Beast Boy's room?"

"..."

"Are you suicidal, Robin?"

"I'll take that as a Hell no."

"Beat up a homeless person?"

"Tempting, but no."

"Find Sla--"

"NO MEANS NO TRAFFIC LIGHT!!"

"..."

"Beat each other up for no reason at all?"

"...Sounds... good..."

"Do we get to use weapons?"

"No. And powers count too."

"Damn. Then no." Starfire of all Titans. Notice I said Titans, not people. Why does that matter? No clue. Nobody noticed this slightly out-of-character moment, though, so eh.

Somehow this continued for what seemed like a day, but was only 2 minutes. Wow, that was boring.

Finally Raven asked the one question almost nobody wanted to hear.

"Find Slade?"

Wait, that's not right.

"Go shopping?" Here we go.

For one brief minute, the males of Titans Tower stared at Raven as if she'd grown an extra head. Then they switched their gazes to Starfire, who strangely hadn't answered yet.

"... No."

Once again, silence. Beast Boy pinched himself. Then he got up out of his seat, and ran and hit the wall, headfirst. Feeling a little suicidal, he French-kissed Raven. Which she only so gladly returned. After they parted, though, (nobody else seemed to notice that), Raven threw Beast Boy against the wall with a burst of black energy, not even blushing. _'One final test,'_ the changeling thought to himself.

"... Has hell frozen over?"

Nobody answered that, for they were each wondering something that has slight relevancy to the story. Which I will tell you even if you don't wanna know.

Robin:_ Whoah, Starfire's hot... Why the hell aren't we together yet?_

Raven:_Hmm. _Has_ hell frozen over? I gotta check on that... Why me? That's it, I'm not doing it._

Cyborg:_...Pie..._

Starfire: _What is this hell everyone keeps talking about? And why the hell do I like mustard so much?_

Beast Boy:_ Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg... And... what happened after that?_

Similarly, villains across Jump City were also wondering the same thing, while meanwhile...

Slade sat in his lair, intently watching the screens, mutterring to himself. "Yes, yes, everything is going according to plan... "He rubbed his hands together in glee, the stupidest thing a criminal, such as himself, could do. And he knew it as he watched the little figures dance around on screen and... "NO! DON'T GO DOWN THAT HOLE, POOH! AND YES! IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

... If you didn't know by now, Slade was watching one of the scariest show known to anybody over 5 years old. A show, that could bring Superman to his knees. A show that scared even Raven worse than_ Wicked Scary _that one time. Yes, dear readers, I have one more. The very show that should have warned us of the coming of Michael Jackson.

Slade was watching _Winnie the Pooh. _And on a different screen he was watching _Mister Roger's Neighborhood._

Why the hell did I just tell you guys about that? Well, it couldn't be because Red X and Johnny Rancid were getting high with Aquafag (see, I told you he changed his name!) and Speedy of the Titans East. No.

It COULDN'T be because Control Freak was at that very moment doing it (I forgot, is this thing rated T?) with that girl from _The Grudge _in the middle of his personal field of weed. No.

It sure as HELL couldn't be because Michael Jackson just told one of his apprentices (yes, even he has apprentices) to _stop _raping little children. Close, but no.

So why did I tell you all that stuff? Why am I asking you? Well, my friends, I told you all that irrelevant cr-stuff to distract you as a mysterious giant box was delivered to Titans Tower... A box that a;most ended the world as they knew it...

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As the Titans still sat there, Robin and Starfire making out on the table in the kitchen as Cyborg swatted at them wit a spatula-looking-thingy while Raven sat casually flipping through the Tv channels while Beast Boy... It''s hard to say this... READ something that wasn't a comic book, one, and I mean only one of them heard the mail boat come over and drop something off. I'll end this thing quick if you guess correctly!

ANYway, whoever did it, whoever started this chain of events is the one who should be blamed.

The one who basically handed the Tower and the lives of it's occupants into the palm of **his **hand.

Whoever heard the mysterious package get delivered is responsible for how Beast Boy got ahold of... a paintball gun.

No, worse, they are responsible for letting him get ahold of a paintball gun... on the boringest day on the planet! It's worse than the Apocalypse!!

But no, hysterics aside, I must tell the story... Heres how it happened.


	2. You've Got Mail! Plus an expo thing

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a being of unimaginable awesome-ness and just a little hint of evil-ness; And this beings name was Loki...

He was getting bored, as it happened, and every thousand years when he was bored, he would... _make _stuff. You know, like atomic bombs that actually just have 'BANG' flags in them and some human happens to get their mitts on it... Yeah, that kind of stuff.

Anyway, he decided to make something a little... different this time, and it so happened that he had the perfect shape for it...

But then, his girlfriend Dim-Sum came over and he was bored no more. So he threw out his newest creation into space as fair trade for months upon months of wild-crazy monkey sex...

Now, here we are at the beginning of however far this story is gonna go...

Picture it, Cicely, 1942...

What? None of you have even been alive that long? Well, join the club, 'cuz I _definitely _ain't been around longer than you. Plus this thing has a history you wouldn't believe if I told you the whole thing, and besides, THAT would take freakin' FOREVER.

So, try as you might, actually picture it, Cicely, 1942... An old guy everyone suspected was some kind of dark wizard, Rasputin Gorgovitch-who actually turned out to be the world's biggest homophobe next to Robin- was making a breakthrough of the century, or at least, until Michael Jackson went wiggy; Homosexuals aren't that bad... If you just, you know, hang out for a bit... You know, you can play tennis with a gay person, and... Okay, let's just say Rasputin-face--

BB:Gesuhndheit.

Thank you. Now, like I was saying, Rasputin-face was discovering his inner woman, who actually turned out to be **quite **feminie, until a small, maybe long, maybe two feet long, one foot wide box crashed down out of thin air on his head. Gorgovitch's 'inner woman' having just recieved a concussion, the jerk-wad studied what was inside the box.

He died the second he touched it. His 'inner woman', however, who went by the name of Hitler at the time, was a very pissed off homosexual indeed. Oh, btw, the box shall hereby be known as I-Carly.

By a completely normal current of events, considering it's creator, I-Carly was lauched into space. How the people of Russia manged to do that before Niel Armstrong landed on the moon astounds even them... but you know Russians, they just say 'product placement' and go on with their lives...

ANYwho, I-Carly, after destroying many an asteroid on it's stupidly assigned journey, finally reached the Justice League about three days ago. Timeline doesn't seem to fit, but then, who actually cares enough to point that out?

The, uhm, Justice League'ers were at the moment partying like their lives depended on it for some reason we won't go into, and, well, somebody let Superman, along with the Flash, a little too close to the 'punch'. You know, the 'punch' you _normally _have at the prom if you suffer _Normal _Life Syndrome? Yeah, you know, the 'punch' some nut went WAY overboard with and spiked, not only with gigantor amounts of vodka and assorted liquors, but also with even gigantor-er amounts of sugar?

Yeah. That 'punch'.

Now, like I say, somebody -Batman, you know who you are- let those two, Superman and the Flash, a little too close to the 'punch' that, uhm, is Jonns right(?), so happily made for the party.

Needless to say, I-Carly didn't exactly get there on account of it registering the Justice League as an Insane Asylum.

Okay, we need to rap the explanation up. Care to do the honors?

Well, two hours after leaving the Justice League, it hit some poor reptilian monster on the head somewhere in Asia. Godzilla got pissed and threw I-Carly ALL the way over to, say, one inch away from him/her, and hit a cat named Fluffy. Fluffy had been plotting his suicide for quite some time, but still had enough time alive left to put I-Carly into his will as his co-conspirator.

Fluffy's co-conspirator decided to go traveling immediately after the death of Fluffy, which took like two seconds, and found Michael Jackson's teleportation pod somewhere in lower Europe. It then used the pod to go ALL the way over to Canada to visit Fluffy's long-since dead uncle's-brother's- mother's-friend's- roomate from highschool's- girlfriend's-nephew's-grandpa's-worst enemy, Fred. Fred be dead, so it go to Me-he-co instead.

Tito Hernandez found I-Carly yesterday and, despite his stereotype as a Mexican, sent I-Carly into space using big, big BIG amounts of stolen rocket fuel.

Unfortunately, the trajectory was wrong, so I-Carly instead landed in the local post office in Jump City.

All this damn time, though, nobody noticed the address on 'I-Carly':

**Titans Tower, Jump City**

**6-7-08**

**You know, the big ol' island in the middle of the bay with a GIGANTIC _T _on it?! Yeah, that one.**

The whole time the being known as I-Carly/the box, _DUH!_/ had been on Earth, it had never actually encountered such an insane roundabout way of getting to her/it's destination. This being had been around since damn near the biginning of time! It was the very reason the 'lost city' of Atlantis was 'lost'. It was the reason for nearly every WAR in history, every major violent act ever known! And yet it still was atounded by it's own randomizing capabilities.

Unfortunately, ever since three days ago, when his evil twin Crusty had shown up, Silkie had been battling his alien brother on the roof of Titan's Tower. They'd been battling for control of the monsters, clothing and candy alike, that resided in the cave we know as Beast Boy's room. The very second the box was deliviered and the mail ship left was actually the very moment that Silkie threw both himself and his mutant enemy over the edge of the tower.

Good thing they're mutant larvae 'cuz the fall should've killed 'em. But since they are mutant larvae/aliens bent on mustard consumption, they survived. Oh, well. Too bad I-Carly wasn't a mutant larvae/alien bent on mustard consumption.

As it so happened, I-Carly was crushed on the Titan's doorstep by two slightly slimy, wormy lookin' things that came out of nowhere. So much for I-Carly.

But all the same, the package was delivered, and the world almost would've physically trembled if it could have, for the weapon within was about to pick the next being that would wield it...

It was a paintball gun. Yes, I know, laugh it up.

But it was a very _special _paintball gun, one that never runs out of ammo, and, more importantly, one that pretty much grafts itself into the mind and body of it's wielder...

**13131313131313131313131313**

Ironically, almost a split-second after two white-ish blurs passed the window, on a channel the Titans had previously vowed never to watch again, the show I-Carly came on. Nobody in the freakin' world noticed this one, so I'd think we're all safe for the next millenia, as long as none of the Titans went to the front door. Unfortunately, this was not to be so.

"Hey, Star, wasn't that Silkie that just dropped past the window?"

BB turned around in his seat once he didn't hear an answer, but quickly turned back around. Raven noticed this, or rather Beast Boy suddenly seeming to have a need to shut out all sound, smells and basically make himself not be able to see anymore. She knew she shouldn't have, but she asked him what was wrong, and he jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

Rae would remember this sight for as long as she lived, unfortunately. Geez, that word's poppin' up everywhere, ain't it?

Starfire had Robin in an EXTREMELY comprimising position, not to mention excrutiating. I won't go into details, but if I describe Robin's face, I may not have to, so here goes...

It was not the vision of pleasure in any way.

Okay, maybe submissive or... well, this thing is M rated anyway, so here goes.

You know all those practices we may or may not know as S&M? Or, you know, where the girl is supposed to be having the guy be all submissive and stuff like that? Torture ringing any bells?

Well, whatever it's called, thats exactly what Starfire was doing to Robin in the kitchen. Except, for some reason,Star seemed to have substituted the whips for maces and nobody seemed to be able to hear anything from either of the two, but that might have been because of the big glass box Cyborg had unwittingly installed around them in the kitchen.

Finally noticing the glares he was getting, at least from Raven and Beast Boy, Cyborg explained.

"Hey, it was either that or let their violent sex games torture your eyes and your ears, aiight?"

From the couch, the only green teen in the Tower sighed as yet another building imploded on itself in the distance from boredom. "Fine, I'll go get Silkie."

Robin, through a quick series of moves he himself knew weren't possible, managed to get Beast Boy to hear what he said next;

"Hey! Dont' forget my porn, it should be in the mail today."

Starfire heard this, and immediately beat DICK into a coma. Hmm, you might not quite understand that statement, but, you've got a gutter, go stick your head in it.

Garfield Logan was already out of the room, however, so when he got back dragging a mass of mutant larvae on top of a swamp-load of mail, he was wondering why, exactly, Star was now holding up a cardboard sign saying 'Help me hide the body, and your death will be quick'. Nobody bothered answering his obviously questioning looks, so the monsters in his room were surprised when they got a live feeding that day.

... Anywho, Robin was sitting over on the couch in a full-body cast, Raven was nowhere to be found, and Cyborg-- well, Cyborg was jumping around like a hyped up cheerleader while Starfire tried in vain to out-perkiness the half-machine half-human.

Which left Beast Boy all by himself to a mountainload of mail, over half of which happened to be Robin's porn. And junk mail, but thats not important.

It was as if time itself slowed down and angels were calling out in emmaculate chorus. Finally, something to do, that DIDN'T involve him getting thrown into a wall or getting sent to an alternate dimension, or hit in the face with a Stankball, or--

Okay, fine, the list is endless, but that didn't stop him from jumping into the pile like was an Olympic swimming pool and he was in the Olympics. After the numerous magazines displaying half-naked--in some cases, fully-naked-- women stopped falling around the living room, Raven appeared out of no where holding up a sign that said '666'. Seeing what was actually on the sign, she scribbled over it with Robin's cheap hair gel and wrote '9.9' instead.

This would not have gone unnoticed by Beast Boy had he not found a certain black sub-machine gun looking thing and picked it up. Needless to say, it immediately morphed into his molecular structure before he even got a good look at it and began the process of infiltrating his mind.

He took no notice of this either, however, as in the living room, Cyborg was standing on a giant box that proclaimed him 'offially too perky' and next to him, Starfire was standing on a much smaller box with a rain-cloud over her head.

"Oookay, what the hell just happened?"

Raven answered for him. "Cyborg put on a very pink apron that even Starfire wouldn't wear."

"Oohh..." BeastBoy said as if that explained everything. "Well, I'm goinna take these mags to my room and... go to sleep, so..."

That was the moment the alarm chose to go off.

**13131313131313131313131313**

SO sorry for the lack of updatey goodness-- I actually planned on updating like three weeks ago, but then I saw a bird, so... Oh, look, a bird!

(Two weeks later)

Anyway, tell me wassup with this chapter, and I'll give you a cookie! (NoticethatI'mcautiouslyavoidingtheupdatingsubject)

... Fine, and I'll update, happy now Mr. Rogers? No? What the hell do you mean by 'no?' Why I oughta--

You take care now. Oh, and if you happen to see a little button at the bottom of this page, click on it, please, and _feel _the orgasmic _rush!_ And review when you get the chance (OR DIE!!). ;D


	3. You've Got Crack

Okay, I think we left off with a bunch of crap, yes? Well, if you call the whole city going crazy from boredom crappy, so, whatever.

I'm sorry to say, readers, but things are going to get slightly more sane from here on in ;(

Disclaimer: Considering how much I'm maiming everyone's reputations in this, DC comics should thank _me_ for **not** owning the Teen Titans. I do own these versions of we the people, though so HA!!:)

Last time we were with our heroes on crack, there was an alarm going off, right?

Chapter 3: Sniper

"Oh, thank _god,_" Robin muttered, pulling on the scraps of what used to be his uniform, which by now didn't even actually cover all that much.

"Who is it this time?"

Thankfully for him, at the moment he was unbelievably UN-detective-like, or he would have sensed the Death Glare(tm) radiating from the alien woman and into the back of his head. If looks could kill, there would have been nothing left of the traffic light.

_"Soon, my bitch... When we get back, you're gonna have hell to pay..."_ Halting her point-and-glare at Robin tactic, Starfire instead glared at the nerdy teen in the corner, who was editing every word she said...

"Eep!"

Suddenly there was a corner missing from the Titans common room as the green balls of energy shrank back into Star's hands and the other Titans wondered why the hell that happened.

"... Anyway... This guy doesn't look like a regular." Robin stated, painfully obviously."

"You know what else is painfully obvious? YOUR UNDERWEAR, WONDERBREAD!!" The teen from the corner was back, somehow directly behind Robin this time and jumping up and down while pointing at the Boy Wonder. Green starbolts whizzed past his head and into the screen, however.

"DIDN'T I ALREADY GET RID OF YOU, ANNOYING EARTH PEST?!"

He spun around, a crazed look in his eyes. "WHO, ME?! BUT WAIT... NO, YOU COULDN'T MEAN ME... WE'RE BOTH SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS, AREN'T WE? HOLD ON..." He disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and everyone wondered what the hell just happened... again...

"...Okay... That was interesting... What were you saying again, Dick?" Twitching at the use of his name, Robin turned to the screen.

"I said this guy--" He stopped again, this time noticing the two gigantic holes in the screen. Eye twitching again, he ad-libbed. "Is nothing we've seen before. I was _going_ to ask if anyone felt like beating the crap out of him, but now I think I'll just do it myself..." He grumbled, ignoring the fact that the rest of his team was already out of the door...

[;---)(]

The Australian-looking guy standing on the roof grinned at the three figures in the street from under his hat."Ah, so the Teen Titans are already here? I'm honored. I am--"

"Oh, shut up and fight already Ahnuld!" The cyborg bellowed, jumping all the way from the ground up to slam one sledgehammer sized fist into his face. He caught it, grin never leaving his face.

"HOW U KNOW MAH NAME, FEWL?!" Oh, wait, the grin ran away with his dick...

"MAMMOTH SMASH!!" Suddenly See-More came out of nowhere all hulked-out and shit, using his giant frickin eye as a bowling ball, bowling over millions of the tiny little Mr. Roger's even though they kept coming like the frickin' Gremlins...

"Wouldja care for a spot of tea, guvnah?" And then Mad Mod started doing the robot on thoe tiny sweater wearin' maniacs while, once again, the Titans stood there theinking What the hell happened here? At THAT moment, Terra came out of the Australian guys stomach like that creepy alien thing came out of that other guy's stomach except not all fake-ass lookin' and shit, wearin' this slick-ass grey tuxedo and walking around like nothing was really happening. Then she spoke four simple words to explain it all.

"EVERY BODy DANCE NOW!!" Duhmduhmduhnduhnduunnnnnnnnnnnnhhsushhdhh!!

Wait.... That's cun't b right...

"Everybody drank crazy juice. And this is... The Blonde Zone..."

No, that can't be right either. Oh, and here comes that nerdy-llookin' guy from the beginning of the chapter...

"EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONE MINUTE!!!"

Okay. Fine. Everybody froze now, wondering what the hell this guy had to say.

"YOU TOO ASSHOLE!! I'M NOT NERDY LOOKIN!!"

Damn...

He whipped out his laptop again, this time WHILE running away from Starfire's starbolts(did she not get the memo?) and typed like his life depended on it.

Starfire stopped shooting bunny rabbits at him and wondered what the hell had just happened.

Robin fell to the ground, shaking like he was trying to do that one move from that one movie that had dancing sloths in it.

Cyborg...

CRACK!!

Cyborg tore off the dead Australian guy's head(no offense toward Australians) and shot it into a basket a mile away without looking.

Raven disappeared for no apparent reason.

Hulk-See-More and Mad Mod decided to have a battle Royale thingy that involved potatoes. Hulk won.

The corpse-Aussie started swearing like a pirate with no head even though he was an Aussie with no head.

Maybe we should return to randomness?

"Damn, being a psycho is harder than it looks," The non-nerdly looking teen sighed, before whacking Terra in the face repeatedly with a shovel. It didn't do anything much. "WILL YOU DIE ALREADY BITCH?!" The shovel kept bending back until he finally shanked the --Uhhh....

Tom: What the hell?

"Your the new narrator, guy, the other guy was pissin me off."

Tom: YAY!!

Okay, thats it for now folks. You wanted random, you got crack. Supply me with insomnia if you wish for this to continue.


	4. Fill 'er Up, Don't Git 'er Done Yet

cRaZyMaN676 Reportin' 4 duty!!

So, seems like we're doin' better at this, eh?

Flamy:(slits wrists) Sigh....

Tanner: STOP DOIN' THAT YOU MORON!!

... Anyway...

Disclaimer: Blahblahblah, something about not really owning the Teen Titans, blahblahblah...

Chapter 4: Fill 'er Up, Don't Git 'er Done

_Maybe we should return to randomness?_

_"Damn, being a psycho is harder than it looks," The non-nerdly looking teen sighed, before whacking Terra in the face repeatedly with a shovel. It didn't do anything much. "WILL YOU DIE ALREADY BITCH?!" The shovel kept bending back until he finally shanked the --Uhhh...._

_Tom: What the hell?_

_"Your the new narrator, guy, the other guy was pissin me off."_

_Tom: YAY!!_

**Tom has been upgraded to the rank of Narrator!!**

"... And so," The teen continued, "That's how babies are born."

Narrator: The Titans -or should I say, Beast Boy, Terra, Hulk, Robin, the headless Aussie, Starfire and Cyborg- stared on at the awkward teen in horror. And then Slade popped out of nowhere, wondering why he suddenly wanted candy... Lots and lots of can--

"Hey!!"

Narrator: It's how they see you, not me. Hey, you mind if I loose the 'Narrator' title thing? It's been buggin' me...

"Ah, fine, whatever." He turned back to the group. "Wait a minute, Headless Guy! You're not supposed to be here!!" He quickly consulted his laptop as the Titans now switched their gaze to the walking corpse. A few miles away, a dog got the feeling that it was supposed to bring this strange new road-kill to the group...

The head talked. Well, the body shrugged, but the head still talked.

"Where the hell am I supposed to be then, mate? And could somebody get me a fucking towel? I've got drool in my nose..." Raven reappeared out of nowhere, shivering and holding a heated towel. "Thank ya, love." He didn't note that this word was not in his vocabulary, just like nobody noticed the blood-stained crown or various weapons Raven shoved off-screen.

"... Whatever."

"Oh, wait, that's not what you guys asked me anyway!" The strange guy -the one with the laptop- smacked his forehead, typing a new command into his computer. Specifically into the Google search engine. "What... the hell... is going... on... Enter! Damn you Sir-Spam Alot!" He yelled again, eyes bugging out of his head as he now typed much faster, in danger of breaking the laptop.

Speaking of weed...

Control Freak collapsed like a beached whale, heavily out of breath. From all the, er, rapid, repetitive motions he'd just made, it was a wonder in itself that the field around him wasn't on fire, let alone the girl he'd barely avoided collapsing on top of. Who, by the way, was now smoking three joints. At the same time. While her hair rolled a few more.

"You... almost... done yet?" The overweight teen gasped, and almost cried when the mystery girl shook her head no. Reaching for his cell, he dialed a number he'd hoped to never have to use again.

"Hey, Rancid? It's Chuck. It's time, man. You got the boys with you? Good, meet me in the patch. You know which one. Hurry up, this shit's going fast. This bitch is crazy!"

Speaking of pot...

"A'ight, a'ight, I got ya. Be there in..." He looked at the clock. "Fifteen socks, 'kay? Hold on, man, just... maintain... Later..." Johnny hung up the disposable cell phone and turned to the three other hazy figures around him. One by one, each nodded for no apparent reason before Johnny stomped out the smoldering ash tray. Standing up(not in a hammock), he turned to the Secret Door in the basement. The one covered in recently-stolen yellow police tape. The one all four of them had sworn never to open unless it was the most dire of situations.

This classified as one of those situations.

Halting before the Door, Rancid waited until the others were behind him before raising a closed fist theatrically.

"Gentlemen..." He paused, not quite sure of what he was about to say or why he now had a ring of keys in his hand. "... What do keys do?"

Behind him, the dude with the X's all over his suit, who was strangely missing his mask, staggered forward. "Keys... unlock... things?"

Johnny nodded, signalling for them to continue. This is where the black-haired, black-eyed man came in. "And whatever this key unlocks, _inside_ there's something valuable... Or dangerous... Or sexy... Or pornographic..." Seeing as the current speaker was rambling, the red-head spoke up.

"So... We're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks! Right?" This time Johnny shook his head.

"No. I don't think so..." He swayed back and forth for a bit. "... Wait, didn't I just get off the phone with Chuck?"

"I don't know, man, you tell me."

"I think I did... Wait..." In the already-smoke-filled room, it would've been impossible to see the wisps rising above his head. Finally a lit cigarette appeared above his head and he proceeded to smoke it.

"AHA!!" He shouted.

"WHAT THE--?!" They jumped.

"I REMEMBER!!" He replied.

"OH." They dead-panned.

Back in serious mode, Johnny got... serious. Again.

"Gentlemen." He waited until they focused all their attention on him. Now they were serious too, if still a little baked. "One of our own has been captured. Our base of supplies has been compromised." This got more serious-ness, but still didn't eliminate the baked-ness. "The iPatch has made his move." _Still_ baked, the looks of shock and anger were only amplified. "The door must be opened."

Each one of them nodded again, and he placed the smallest key on the keyring in the doorknob. A white flash suddenly swept the room, and...

Five minutes later, a haggish old woman was seen chasing a strange-looking van down the street. An unfamiliar logo was spray-painted on the side, and the shocks were a little bad. Unbeknownst to the inhabitants, the brakes didn't even work. This wouldn't have mattered to them anyway.

"Who are we?!" A gruff-ish voice echoed back down the street to the haggish lady.

"WE DA B-TEAM!" Was the reply. Which was cut short by a gunshot echoing from the haggish old lady.

"I told you we'll get this hunk o' junk back by nine, Ma! Get back in the fuckin' house!" She only growled as she turned back, wielding the sawed-off pump action shotgun as professionally as any hunter.

"Damned hooligans..."

Speaking of hooligan-ry...

"ALRIGHTY THEN!" All present winced at the sudden yell, staring wide-eyed at the teen it had come from. "Finally! I know what's going on--" Before he could get another word out, Hulk-SeeMore disappeared with a large explosion, for some reason. "CRAP!! Knew this shit would happen!" Typing another hundred commands into his laptop at a surprisingly high speed, he answered everyone's unasked question.

"What's going on is, everyone's either imploding, deteriorating, or exploding from being in the presence of my Awesomeness."

... Right.

"I'm serious!" He shouted, seeing the disbelieving looks on thier faces. "Whatever, don't believe me, just trust me when I say that this is for your own good." He pressed a button and suddenly everyone -Terra, Slade, Aussie-guy, Cyborg, Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Robin- disappeared.

6191619161916191

_This is just another filler chapter, just so's you know. The REAL action is coming up, next time here on Beast Boy the Conquorer; Paintball War Overlord. Be warned; I'm serious. Kind of. Not really. But... The shit is coming up soon, okay?! Hold your horses!_


	5. Chapter Whaaaaaa?

cRaZyMaN676 Reportin' 4 duty!!

So, seems like we're doin' better at this, eh?

Flamy:(slits wrists) Sigh....

Tanner: STOP DOIN' THAT YOU MORON!!

... Anyway...

Disclaimer: Blahblahblah, something about not really owning the Teen Titans, blahblahblah...

**Chapter Oh Come On Like You're Still Keepin' Track of This**

_"ALRIGHTY THEN!" All present winced at the sudden yell, staring wide-eyed at the teen it had come from. "Finally! I know what's going on--" Before he could get another word out, Hulk-SeeMore disappeared with a large explosion, for some reason. "CRAP!! Knew this shit would happen!" Typing another hundred commands into his laptop at a surprisingly high speed, he answered everyone's unasked question._

_"What's going on is, everyone's either imploding, deteriorating, or exploding from being in the presence of my Awesomeness."_

_... Right._

_"I'm serious!" He shouted, seeing the disbelieving looks on thier faces. "Whatever, don't believe me, just trust me when I say that this is for your own good." He pressed a button and suddenly everyone -Terra, Slade, Aussie-guy, Cyborg, Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Robin- disappeared._

6191619161916191

"Aaaand we're back with yet another installment of; The Gameshow of Deeeeeeaaath!!" We see a shaggy, no-doubt vagrant and crazy guy pop out of nowhere, yelling unnecessarily loud as he jumped around sporadically, smashing himself against the ground, trees, and giant anvils that dropped out of nowhere. "This is your host, Toooooooomm No-Last-Name!! Some of you may or may not know me as "Tom", but, well, whatever.

"Last time on the Gameshow of Death(tm), we met our contestants; a rather confused couple of teenage vigilante superheroes, a major bad guy, and a would-be bad guy who really doesn't belong in this thing. Why is he still here? Well, the director won't let us kick him out, so..." Tom ducked as a chair whizzed by his head. "Right, then! Let's check up on how they're doing, shall we? First up, we have The Traffic Light!"

A picture of an actual traffic light popped up out of nowhere.

"No, not that one idiots! Who the fuck is in charge up there? No, wait, hold on..."

Inconspicuously, the picture morphed into a picture of Robin in a towel and a shower cap, singing into a pink hairbrush.

"Yeah, that's... better. I guess. Anyway, he was given the task of evading every fan of the original Teen Titans team in the world, conveniently all gathered as the Fall Convention in San Francisco. If any of them were to catch him, the acrobat would have to literally fuck them into submission and do the Walk of Shame before running away again! If he was caught too many times, he would either die from over-exertion, or he would be eliminated from the Competition. Same difference either way, but hey, who the hell is gonna notice that?! Speaking of WonderBread, how are things going over there, Pat?!"

The screen flips to a different scene, where everything was shifting at an angle and constantly moving. Then the face of some tired, bedraggled and excited businesswoman wearing a suit with her jacket tied around her waist was superimposed into view in the right side of the screen.

"Hi, Tom, guys! Pat's a little bit busy, so this is Natalie here! You can just call me Nat!"

"Hey, Nat, good to see you! What's up over there?!"

"Nothing much, hold on one sec...!" The woman, Natalie, shifted the camera in her hands till she was running backwards, smiling at the screen as statistics scrolled across over the stampeding crowd. "Well, the Beast Boy fan girls are starting to realize that it's not the green teen that they're chasing, and are starting to sit out on the sidewalk in a major wet-bikini suit competition! Oh, wait, no, that's a mud fight! Totally hot!! The Raven fan guys are committing mass suicide back here, but nobody really cares about them, so fuck 'em. Still, they're slowing progress down so we're gonna need a street-cleaner down here in a little bit. Bummer... Cyborg fan girls and guys are getting tired of the bull-shit and want to see some metal action, so at the moment they're pulling out random artillery weapons out of nowhere-- for instance, that little girl just brought a bazooka out of what I'm hoping was nowhere. Nobody's firing any weapons yet, though, but hey, it could happen! Oh, and the Starfire fan girls and guys are over on the sidewalk having a major orgy with the Beast Boy fan girls!

"I'm hoping nobody really cares about all the other Titans because sadly, their fans caught on a lot quicker and are busy tracking down Will Shatner for bringing them into this thing! Aaaand back to you Tom!" The screen shifted back to Tom, who was smiling while jerking off. Yes, it was that simple.

"Ooh, sounds interesting Nat!! Got to stay focused though; what's your bra size? Can I have your number when you get back to the studio? Will you ever give me a blowjob?!"

"Eh, lemme think... No, no, and... no. Anything else?"

"Uhm, yeah, has anyone actually even gotten close to the Boy Wonder?" The screen shifted back to Natalie, whose face and hair were suddenly for no apparent reason(yeah, right) splattered with gooey white stuff. You've got three guesses on what it is, and the first two don't count.

"Well, his fan guys (noshit) and fan girls are learning fast; they're disguising themselves as the alien girl and... Hold on, he's falling for it!! Let's get a close-up view, shall we?!" Seemingly oblivious to the splooge that _inexplicably _covered her face, the camera started tilting more as the lens zoomed in for a close-up view.

"Oh, wait! One of the fan girls screwed the fuck up!! She went for the Blackfire look instead of Starfire!! Crap, no, that _is _Blackfire, shopping for groceries!! What the hell is she-- ooh, Robin knocked her the fuck out and now he has her over one shoulder while he's still running!! _COOOOOOOOL!!_ Otherwise, though, nobody's caught him yet! The Boy Blunder might actually survive this shit, Tom!!"

The screen finally shifted back to Tom, who was inconspicuously zipping up his pants and was red in the face. Why would that be, by the way?

"Right then! Let's go check on the other contestants!!"

[.dildo.]

The hacker stared at the television screen, eyebrow twitching as what he typed on the computer before him came to life on said screen.

"Dude, this is so fucking stupid... Why am I still writing this?!"

Then lightning struck out of nowhere on top of the teen's head, not burning his yellow hair but leaving a smokey scent in the air above his head. Oh, and pain, a lot of pain...

"Alright, alright, damn it!! Give me some time, would ya?!"

Lightning struck again in the exact same spot.

"I get it already, shut the fuck up!!"

With that he turned down the volume on the television and turned back to the laptop, muttering to himself.

[.dildo.]

"Joy? How's thing's going with Raven?" Again the screen shifted, this time to a scared-looking woman in a camo uniform/dress who apparently had an unbelievably steady hand, which focused the camera on her face and everything going on behind her.

"Well, Tom, it's like this; _THE BITCH IS FUCKING CRAZY!! _She's just supposed to be surviving till dawn with her virginity intact, right?"

"Yup."

"Well, right now the slut is _dancing through the fucking Forest of Doom with a goddamn talking stuffed animal_!"

The screen shifted back to Tom, who had one eyebrow raised while his hand reached down into his pants.

"What's your point? I mean... Doing what with a what?"

The screen shifted back to Joy. Again. Who was now running through the trees. "You heard me you illiterate bastard! I'm not gonna repeat myself! Oh, alright, maybe just this one time: the slut is _dancing through the fucking Forest of Doom with a goddamn talking stuffed lion-looking thing!!_ Oh, and if anything gets in her way and I mean anything, she just _rapes it into submission with random shit that she just pulls out of nowhere!_ Well, at least, I hope it's nowhere... But I know you're an unimaginative bastard with tight limits on using your own imagination, so howsabout I show you instead, hmm?!"

Joy suddenly stopped and crouched down on the ground, unknowingly giving the camera an up-close view of her cleavage. Then she twisted the lens around so it faced the other way and crawled forward till the lens peeked through a bush. Turning on the night-vision shit(since this IS nighttime there, y'know), she then turned off the light that had been illuminating the vision so far and made a clearing visible.

"You know, Joy, I just noticed something; where's the cameraman that's supposed to be handling that camera for you?"

Before Joy could even answer, Raven twirled into the clearing, swinging a teddy bear around in her arms as she sang.

"La-di-da-di-da-di-da..."

In the background, a gruff string of swears could me heard emanating vaguely from the doll's general direction.

"Lady, I don't know who you are or where the hell you came from but will you FRICKIN' PUT ME DOWN OR I SWEAR TO GOD** I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU!!**"

The screen shifted back to Tom who had this mysterious thudding going on in the background and this look on his face: 0.o, A.K.A. the universal "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!" face.

THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD...

Once more, the screen shifted back to Joy and Raven. (re: this is where the yellow-headed dude mentioned earlier lost the footage of what happened so this is coming from memory. deal with it)

"Yeeeeeaaah, so. At the moment we are tracking the elusive "Crazy Raven." Now, you don't want to make any loud noises in case you disturb her(and of course, that would be a bad thing). Now, we are not sure just how long she has been around, but we do know some of her feeding habits. Not only are they strange, they--" Here she paused, looking over her shoulder for something. "Well, you know those animals we set out in the forest, right? The monkeys and... things?"

Tom stared. "You mean the fuck-monkeys and the writer's-block bunnies?"

"Yeah, them."

"What about them?"

"She fucking ripped them apart, that's what."

"WHAT?! You know what I had to do to get those goddamn things?!"

"You sat on your ass and ate popcorn, what's so hard about that?"

Tom coughed awkwardly. "So, how was your day?"

"Well--" Joy began. Obviously she never got to finish, seeing as black tentacles that looked strangely like Raven's energy thingys suddenly pulled her away from the camera.

Tom stared, now alone on the screen. He then poked his head over into the other side of the screen with night-vision goggles as screaming started on the side where Joy had been.

...zip...

..

"Well, folks, looks like Joy is incapacitated for now... whatever the hell that means. When we come back, we'll have the other idiots... where are they again? ahhh..."

-Spurt-

* * *

The hacker glared up at the ceiling as he shut off the television.

"DAMN YOU METh-HEEEEAAAADS!!"

He was promptly zapped on the forehead with a bolt of lightning. Again.

(Chapter Whatever the hell we're on, end)


End file.
